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Op-Ed | ‘I’m Tired Of All These Young Punks In My Neighbourhood Blasting Classical Music’

By Ludwig Van on April 1, 2021

I’m at the end of my rope, and can’t take much more of this. Since all the concert halls shut down due to COVID, my neighbourhood has been overrun by classical musicians. If you have had to hear the infernal racket of Rossini’s William Tell overture booming down the street, then you’d know how rowdy they can be.

This used to be a good respectable area, and I’m beside myself with frustration.

The brass players are the worst of the lot. They walk around humming the sparse yet clearly contrasted horn parts from Wagner’s Prelude to Act III of Lohengrin, evoking a perpetual movement and a sense of timelessness. And where have all the conductors gone? Aren’t they are supposed to be giving these musicians some direction?

I can’t even walk my Frenchie down the street without seeing violinists playing capriccios with dubious fingerings in broad daylight. The smell of resin and mahogany is everywhere. It’s all Heifetz this and Kreisler that. Their violins cost more than my house. And don’t tell me they got the money to pay for those by playing capriccios. That’s hogwash! They need to get these musicians off the streets, now!

I tried calling the cops to make a formal complaint, and they just told me kids will be kids and there is nothing they can do. As I write this, “Nessun dorma” is blaring out of some old minivan with the windows wide open, and no consideration for anyone at all. If I hear another tempo ordinario movement based on the overture to “Parnasso in Festa”, I’m going to lose it!

There is a string quartet down the street playing some exceedingly warm, refined and balanced Janáček sonatas with no respect for those who have to work early in the morning. The recapitulations never end. Who do these people think they are, early 1970s echt Viennese Alban Berg Quartet? I’ve had it!

The other day I overheard a young child telling his mother, “When I grow up I’m going to be a pianist.” Well kid, you know you can’t do both!

These classical musicians need to get back in the concert hall where they belong.


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