Dear Professor,
I’ve made it a news years resolution to be a nicer person and so far it’s been a slog. I’m a violinist by trade and don’t suffer fools lightly. I’ve been described as sweary, but in most cases I’m just being honest with people. I’ve also been told I have “resting bitch-face” which doesn’t help the situation.
Let’s shimmy down the rabbit hole. I play in a string quartet and after a few months of playing together, I noticed the other members have started to form a close bond with each other. Me on the other hand, I can’t seem to relate to any of them on a personal level. They now socialize outside of rehearsals, and I though I’ve been invited once or twice, I just didn’t feel like I fit in. They all have kids and talk a lot about little Jimmy’s trips to the aquarium, and his hilarious fixation with vacuums. I don’t have kids and am somewhere between being thankful I’m not part of the soccer mum and dad club, and sad to be left out of it.
So Professor, would you profess that I continue with my new year’s resolution and learn to lighten up and try to fit in, or settle into my fate as a reclusive resting bitch-faced spinster who secretly hates hearing about your kids. How do you balance personal relationships and professional relationships in a chamber ensemble when everyone seems to be “besties’, and you’re just not into it?
Yours truly,
Can’t Play Nice
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Dear Can’t Play Nice (thanks for not signing this, ‘Resting Bitch-Face’),
I think the first thing I’d say is, BE YOURSELF. This is you and your life. If you’re salty, blunt, abrasive, but that’s your natural and honest way of being, then be that way. I don’t think pretense or forced civility will last in the long run. Just realize that this may have career ramifications. A friend of mine shocked a group of students when he told them, “Look, I run a small chamber music series, so I’m paying the bills. If I have a choice between a superlative violinist who’s a pain in the ass to hang out with, or a very good violinist who is a total blast to hang out with – I’m hiring THAT ONE.” That was a great life lesson for some of these kids to hear.
While one can more easily get away with less sociable behaviour in a large orchestra, chamber ensembles represent a special case, because there’s no hiding – you’re all doing very intense work in a confined space for a long duration. As long as the performances are going well, one shouldn’t feel any special need to socialize or talk about the same sorts of things as the others. Many people want to start families, while others prefer not to be breeders – I wouldn’t judge anyone better or worse for that. I’ll tell students that if they’re thinking of forming a chamber ensemble, resist the urge to find people too much like yourself. It’s like some of those internet dating sites, that match you on 100 character traits – imagine that first date:
“Hi – my name’s Terry.”
‘Wow – me too!’
“What’s your favourite colour?”
‘Blue.’
“Wow – mine too!”
‘What’s your favourite food?’
“Kumquats.”
‘Wow – me too!’
“Who’s your favourite poet/artist?”
‘William Blake.’
“Wow – me too!”
That’s going to get boring pretty quickly. I think a chamber ensemble benefits from different personalities, different points of view, perspectives, opinions, musical priorities, etc. It’s just a bit awkward if your situation develops into a 3vs1 situation. If it becomes untenable, I’ve just checked online, and you could still form a new group: “The Resting Bitch-Faces”!
Got a question for The Professor? Email AskTheProfessor@musicaltoronto.org. His advice column will appear here every month.
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- ASK THE PROFESSOR | Why Can’t I Play Nice? - February 23, 2016
- ASK THE PROFESSOR | Popular Music Puzzles Me - February 9, 2016
