{"id":19432,"date":"2014-06-22T12:30:07","date_gmt":"2014-06-22T16:30:07","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.ludwig-van.com\/?p=19432"},"modified":"2014-06-22T14:58:41","modified_gmt":"2014-06-22T18:58:41","slug":"classical-music-concert-offenders-be-warned-were-on-to-you","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.ludwig-van.com\/toronto\/2014\/06\/22\/classical-music-concert-offenders-be-warned-were-on-to-you\/","title":{"rendered":"Classical music concert offenders, be warned, we\u2019re on to you"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"franco<\/a><\/p>\n

 <\/p>\n

[pl_blockquote cite=”Shel Silverstein, Where the Sidewalk Ends”]
\n\u201cI’m making a list
\nI’m making a list of things I must say
\nFor politeness,
\nAnd goodness and kindness and gentleness
\nSweetness and rightness:
\nHello
\nPardon me
\nHow are you?
\nExcuse me
\nBless you
\nMay I?
\nThank you
\nGoodbye
\nIf you know some that I’ve forgot,
\nPlease stick them in your eye!\u201d
\n[\/pl_blockquote]<\/p>\n

Since taking over the\u00a0reins\u00a0of Musical Toronto, I have been thrust into the seats of more concerts than I can count. For each show, I\u2019ll venture out of my century-house with a feeling of good fortune over being bestowed the best seats in the city to witness (mostly) remarkable performers shovel their talents. But I have a secret to confess. It\u2019s not only the performers that I think and write about; it\u2019s the patrons too.<\/p>\n

It’s a habit, if you can call it that, of buzzing home after a show to report to my wife all various social minutiae witnessed from my vantage. I\u2019ll open the front door with a dramatic thrust, and there she\u2019ll be, my eternal optimist partner sitting with a good book. \u201cSo,\u201d playfully smirking, \u201cHow did it go?\u201d<\/p>\n

I\u2019ll tell her about how some lady in a Chanel dress trod upon my foot while storming out of the Mahler in a dash for the \u2018sortie\u2019 sign. Peeling the sock from my foot, I\u2019ll reveal the imprint left from her errant high-heel.<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s horrible,” she\u2019ll say,\u00a0“I would have swatted her with her own programme.\u201d<\/p>\n

It seems that being a critic was more dangerous than I thought.<\/p>\n

Short of wearing steel-toed boots and horse blinders, I really can\u2019t complain. After all, I know I\u2019ve probably been someone\u2019s blight at a concert more than once. \u201cHe kept clearing his throat, but only at the quiet parts, ruining it for everyone!\u201d; \u201cHe kept scratching in his notebook like some jaded commissionaire writing a parking ticket, ruining it for everyone!\u201d; \u201cHe took both arm rests, ruining it for everyone!\u201d<\/p>\n

Flagrant discourtesy seems to be the source of most of these annoyances and I\u2019ve made a sport of spotting them. For those of you I see sitting quietly in your seats, waiting for the awe of sound to hit you, you are my allied forces against those who sleep, take phone calls, text, chat with friends, eat and drink \u2013 anything but listen to the music. Fight the good fight! After all, respect for ourselves guides our morals, but respect for others guides our manners.<\/p>\n

So here it goes\u2026 my secret list of concert offenders:<\/p>\n

1: Cranial rain barrels<\/h3>\n

There is nothing worse than having the person sitting in front of you doing the head-bob all night. You\u2019ll see them snoring, drooling, gargling, and otherwise subjecting their dysfunctional sleep apnoea\u00a0upon everyone around them as a true test of one\u2019s faith in mankind. If you are that tired, just leave. The alternative is your head tilted zenith, and your mouth wide-open collecting invisible rainwater. Not a good look.<\/p>\n

2: Candy wrapper-crinklers<\/h3>\n

You brought chocolate! Great! But\u2026 we can ALL hear your slow-motion holy quest to pull\u2026 it\u2026 out\u2026 of… its\u2026 wrapper\u2026 one\u2026 crinkle\u2026 at\u2026 a\u2026 time\u2026 It is little wonder there has been no violence against all the rampant concert-hall gluttony that goes on these days. If the will to eat overcomes you, for heaven\u2019s sake, just unwrap it before the concert. And if you see me, yes, I\u2019d like a piece too.<\/p>\n

3: Crowd duckers<\/h3>\n

We\u2019ve all see them. The power couple, who at the earliest possible moment at the end of a concert, jumps up from their seats clutching their Prada knapsacks and matching hats, whilst everyone claps with appreciation\u2026 It\u2019s hard to miss them. They\u2019ll brush past with a jarring sideways shuffle – their flat facial expressions heading towards a self-gratifying race to beat everyone to the underground parking lot. To them, I\u2019d say: you are not a genius, nor the only ones to think of doing this. It takes but 5 minutes to pay your regards to those who have entertained you for the better part of an hour (or more)\u2026 you\u2019ll be home soon enough.<\/p>\n

4: Bravo\/Brava confusers<\/h3>\n

Hollering out bravo to a female performer really gets under my skin. Bravo, is for men, and Brava is for women. Learn it, people! Otherwise don\u2019t be offended when someone calls you Mrs. when you are a Mr. (or vice versa<\/em>).<\/p>\n

5. Karajan impersonators, finger bongos, and hummers<\/h3>\n

I once sat behind a well-known arts critic at a concert, and after recognising him, looked forward to introducing myself. Once the concert got underway\u00a0, he started conducting the symphony right there from his seat. Hands waving wildly, head thrusting side to side, hair jostled, the power of the music flowing through him like a toddler\u2019s finger in an electrical socket.\u00a0His lack of restraint was impressive.<\/p>\n

I sat there, trapped, with his hands flickering 3 feet away from my face like a moth to a porch light. I politely asked him to stop, but he turned his attention abruptly forward, pretending I wasn\u2019t there. There was no way I could review the show. Despite taking notes, he didn\u2019t either.<\/p>\n

After his conducting equivalent of air-guitar, I decided not to introduce myself after all. His family looked mortified, and so was I for having to witness what should have stayed in front of a bathroom mirror.<\/p>\n

Also, if you feel it appropriate to tap and humming along to the music, then don\u2019t be surprised if I pull out my bongos and thump along to the Bolero from the parterre.<\/p>\n

6: The Cell-phone denier<\/h3>\n

Okay \u2013 so you forgot to turn off your cell phone, and now it\u2019s ringing in the middle of the concert. The panic of it all. The worst-case scenario. Yes, it\u2019s happening. Confront it. Own it, and turn your phone off as fast as you can. Everyone will know you are the asshole whose phone is ringing, but at least you turned it off.<\/p>\n

7: The Cell-phone ostrich<\/h3>\n

We can all see your secret phone on your lap. It\u2019s dark \u2013 and the glow is an unintended part of the lighting design. Internet addiction and ADD are alive and well, and you are not alone. But the concert hall should be a place to live in the moment. Opportunities to annoy your friends with Farmville requests will be waiting for you after the show.<\/p>\n

8: Balcony blockers<\/h3>\n

Leaning forward in a balcony seat blocks the view of those behind you. You already have a great seat \u2013 do you really need to luxuriate by blocking as many sightlines as you possibly can? Just know that the 15 people behind you are fantasising about pushing you over the balcony.<\/p>\n

9: Canadian luggage (a.k.a. the hangover)<\/h3>\n

I know we live in Canada and have cold winters. But, coat-check people! Flopping your oversized down-parka behind the back of your seat in the concert hall will end up taking up 7 of the allotted 14 inches of legroom of the person sitting behind you. For those of us with height, it can mean the difference between being comfortable and uncomfortable.<\/p>\n

10. The perpetual standing O<\/h3>\n

Do we really need to do a standing ovation for every concert? Who is it for anyway? If you really think this is the best concert you\u2019ve ever seen, by all means, stand and cheer! But for me, this is a very special gesture reserved for only the most amazing performances. Doing it at every concert only cheapens the sincerity. When in doubt, stay seated and clap \u2013 otherwise you are cheering just because everyone else is.<\/p>\n

***<\/p>\n

So there you have it folks, the secret confessions of a music blogger doing his best to survive the dangerous perils of concert reviews.<\/p>\n

If you see me out there in the trenches, wearing my flack vest, army issue boots, and Wagnerian Pickelhaube, do say Hello, and if you have it, offer me some chocolate. I like chocolate \u2013just unwrap it first. And if anyone sees me conducting along to the symphony from my seat, it\u2019s probably shell-shock \u2013 call for help. Right away. 911. The whole deal.<\/p>\n

Michael Vincent<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

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